


Onward

by TurtleNovas



Series: Amelioration [6]
Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Brief Dustin/OFC, Coming Out, Dustin has a crush on Steve - Freeform, F/M, Gen, M/M, Pre-Slash, Season 1 & 2 canon compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-18
Updated: 2017-12-18
Packaged: 2019-02-16 07:58:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13049829
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TurtleNovas/pseuds/TurtleNovas
Summary: Life goes on after everything that happened.  Dustin has a realization.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> At this point, things will no longer make much sense if you haven't read the rest of the series.

Dustin turns 15 two weeks before the end of freshman year, and, all things considered, it's a pretty small affair. His mom had wanted him to have a big party, but after the year he's had, Dustin is content to just hang out with his friends at the arcade, go see a movie, then come back home and gorge on pizza with all of them while they play games. He's just happy to have them all there with him, in one piece, mostly functioning. They all have their bad days, where memories of everything that's happened are too much, and their personalities are replaced with those angry, fearful people who don't know how to keep going. Mostly, though, they've been able to stay themselves, been able to put the knowledge of hell existing just on the other side of a tightrope into a compartment that none of them access regularly enough to warp them.

Steve struggles more than the rest of them, Dustin knows, because his hell is here, in this dimension, and doesn't require any rips in space time to get to him. Dustin sees the way he still flinches, almost unnoticeable now, when people come up behind him without warning. He's seen the way Steve's bed is pushed into a corner, and has been for months, despite his therapist's advice. (Steve had told him once, ashamed, but in need of comfort, that he was supposed to be trying to go back to sleeping normally, but hadn't even dared to attempt it. Dustin had only hugged him, and told him it was okay to wait, that his therapist might be right, but he could only do what he could do. Steve had seemed relieved to hear _someone_ say that, and Dustin had realized that Steve probably wasn't getting a lot of people telling him what a good job he was doing. Dustin tries to tell him every day now, in some small way, so that he never forgets.)

He's also noticed the way Steve won't go to sleep if anyone else is still awake; has often rolled over in his sleeping bag on nights Steve stays with them to find him staring wide eyed out at the room, body tense, hands gripped in the sheets of Dustin's bed tight enough to turn his knuckles white. Sometimes Dustin will say something, will put his hand over Steve's and try to bring him back, to apologize for not falling asleep faster, for keeping Steve awake and terrified. Other times, he just closes his eyes and tries hard to go to sleep, so that Steve can finally have some rest.

Dustin is glad that Steve has let himself be adopted into their group. He knows they're young, and that Steve feels almost as much responsibility for them as friendship, but at least, when he's with them, Dustin knows he's with people who will protect him with everything they have. Selfishly, Dustin is a little glad that Steve doesn't have other friends, people who wouldn't know him as well, and wouldn't be able to accept him the way the party can. He would never begrudge Steve a group of friends his age, knows that if Steve wanted to, he could charm the fuck out of pretty much anyone; but still, Dustin thinks it would put him on edge to constantly wonder if those people would take the necessary care with Steve's heart, if they would see how good he really is, how soft and kind, underneath all the goofy humor and bright smiles, sports references and absolute epic taste in music.

When Steve had realized Dustin's birthday was coming up, he'd asked what Dustin wanted as a present. Dustin had said he just wanted Steve to hang out with them, because it wouldn't be a good birthday without him there. Steve had nodded and said archly, “You are no help at all.”

He'd shown up that morning, hours before anyone else was going to arrive, his back seat loaded with stuff, and had looked a little sheepish when Dustin had asked him what it was.

"Um, I went to the library and did some reading," he'd said, tone a little self-deprecating, like he knew how out of character that was for him, and was preempting Dustin commenting on it. "And then I went to the pet store - the one in the city, with the whole room of reptiles, and they helped me pick stuff out." He'd been talking very fast, not actually looking at Dustin, seemingly embarrassed for what he'd done, but Dustin was already grinning, not even sure what it was that Steve had bought him. The important thing, Dustin had thought, was how hard Steve had tried, in the face of Dustin telling him not to get anything, to get something good.

"It's for Yurtle," Steve had continued. "Because I know he's been in that little tank, ever since...everything that happened, and you've said a few times how it's hard to replace the whole setup."

Dustin had felt his eyes go wide, startled and amazed, a little overwhelmed at the thought of Steve going to so much effort, spending so much money, to help Dustin give Yurtle a nicer home. It had been something that had been bothering Dustin for a long time, looking at Yurtle in his tiny little terrarium from when he was a baby. He hated knowing that it was all because of his stupid mistake that Yurtle's big tank had been destroyed, hated more that he just couldn't afford a replacement, and didn't want to put such a big burden on his mom.

Steve had looked nervous, then, probably confused by Dustin's silence. He'd shuffled his feet a little, rubbed the back of his neck, cleared his throat, and said uncomfortably, "Do you maybe...want to take a look?"

Which had reminded Dustin that he should probably do something, so he'd hugged Steve, as tight as he could, and said, "Thank you," into his shoulder several times.

They'd spent the morning setting up Yurtle's new digs, with special, fancy heat lamps, and a water feature, and all the bells and whistles Dustin could ever have hoped for. It didn't escape Dustin that all of this must have cost a fortune, but he didn't want to make Steve feel weird by pointing it out, so he'd just made sure to gush expansively about each feature, and what a good job Steve had done choosing everything. He'd hugged him again, and felt a little misty eyed this time, because this was honestly the best gift anyone had ever given him, and Steve was obviously much more thoughtful than Dustin had given him credit for.

Steve had hugged him back, and said quietly, "It seems like a special birthday, after everything that's happened. I couldn't get you something stupid." And then he'd given Dustin one of his sarcastic grins and punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Or nothing at all, you absolute dipshit."

From there, the conversation had devolved into teasing and laughter, and they'd both been happy and out of breath when the doorbell rang and the rest of the party started to arrive. In the end, Dustin thinks, it was one of his best birthdays to date.

 

 


	2. Chapter 02

On the last day of school, Dustin is somewhat flabbergasted when a girl from his algebra class approaches him while he's cleaning out his locker and asks to talk to him. Apparently, she really likes him, and is wondering if he'd like to go out with her. Also, she tells him, she's liked him for a long time and never got the courage up to talk to him until now, but it's the last day of school, and she doesn't want to miss her chance. Dustin is, honestly, kind of confused, but it's an excited sort of confusion. He'd never imagined that his first date would be with someone who asked _him_ out. He'd always envisioned having to go around facing a series of rejections before finding a girl who would give him a chance (and more recently, he hasn't been thinking about it much at all, more focused on other things, and not having any particular girl he's interested in). He's not really sure if he likes this girl or not, as they've probably only ever said a few words to each other, but he agrees that they should go out, because he's not going to refuse a first date with someone who apparently really likes him.

They exchange phone numbers, and she promises to call Dustin tonight to make plans. He debates whether to tell everyone about it on the way home, but decides against it. He feels a little protective of it, like, if he blabs all about it now, he can't be sure if it will work out. He'd rather try a date first, and then let them know about it if he ends up liking her. He does tell his mom, mostly because he kind of has to, and she gets that kind of overzealous joy in her eye that Dustin simultaneously adores and dreads. He tries to calm her down, to lower her expectations, tells her that he doesn't even know this girl, but he didn't want to hurt her feelings. His mom seems to catch on to his hesitation, and she reels herself in, but still has that sort of satisfied, proud air about her, like she knew all along that he was a catch and is pleased the world is finally figuring it out. Dustin is embarrassed, but he loves his mom, so he doesn't stir any shit about it.

When the girl - Micaela, he reminds himself - calls him later that night, they talk for a little while, and to Dustin, it seems agonizingly awkward, but he still has hope that it will be easier in person. They make plans to go see a movie on Saturday, and to hang out at the mall afterwards. She suggests Top Gun, and Dustin agrees, even though he's already seen it with Steve during its opening week. It was a fun movie, and he never minds watching things more than once. He sets the phone down with her still on the line, to go confirm with his mom that it's okay if he goes, even though he knows she'll say yes. The conversation doesn't last much longer after that, and ending it feels just as awkward as the rest.

When it's over, Dustin calls Steve immediately, and spends an hour freaking out, because he has no idea what he's doing, and it seems weird that the conversation was so awkward. Steve just laughs, a low, rumbling chuckle that distorts a little over the line, and tells him it will be fine. It's always a little awkward at first, and if it doesn't work out, that's fine, too. He just needs to give himself the chance to find the right girl. It makes Dustin feel warm and happy, to hear how sure Steve is that Dustin will be a great date. Steve offers, then, to come over and help Dustin get ready, and Dustin agrees that it's probably a good idea. He doesn't want to be left on his own, and he knows his mom will think he looks great in everything. Steve will be honest with him, but still nice about it, and Dustin feels calmer already, knowing he'll have some guidance he can trust.

When Saturday finally does roll around, Dustin's mom is in an absolute tizzy, and Dustin finds himself glad for the fact that he's meeting Micaela at the mall, and not here, and that Steve is driving him. He's filled with dread at the very idea of his mom ambushing them for pictures. Steve comes over a couple of hours before Dustin is due to leave, and helps him pick out an outfit that's nice, but still casual - appropriate for an early afternoon movie date with a girl he's only spoken to a couple of times. Steve also tells him to leave his hair the way it is, because it's not a formal event, and if she doesn't like Dustin the way he is, it's not worth bending over backwards to please her. Dustin doesn't miss the small hint of bitterness in Steve's tone, knows that even though Steve is mostly over Nancy, the memory of how things went down still stings him sometimes, especially since he hasn't been with anyone since (at least not anyone who fucking counts).

As they're leaving, his mom decides she needs pictures anyways, and forces Dustin and Steve to stop in the front doorway as she snaps away for several minutes. Dustin rolls his eyes fondly, and puts up a show about whining, but he doesn't really mind. Steve knows his mom, and they're both used to her photo fever by now, so it's not quite the same as doing it with some random girl. When she finally lets them go, with a big hug and kiss on the cheek for each of them, Tews cradled in her elbow, having his paw waved by her as they drive away, both Dustin and Steve are grinning and laughing fondly about her ridiculousness.

When they arrive, Dustin's feeling nervous again, and Steve gives him a little pep talk. "It'll be the movie for most of it, and then you'll be eating, so even if you can't think of anything to talk about, you'll be okay. Just try to have fun. If you can't think of anything to say, ask her about herself. What's her favorite movie, or song, or subject in school. Anything to get her talking." He squeezes Dustin's shoulder gently. "You're gonna be fine. She knows you're a catch, or she wouldn't have asked you out."

Dustin nods, determined. "Thanks," he says. "I mean it."

Steve smiles encouragingly, "You know it. Now go in there and slay."

Dustin laughs at that, and tumbles out of the car. Steve drives off, presumably to find a parking spot (the plan is for Steve to hang in the mall for a few hours, and to stop by the food court around five to see if Dustin needs extracting). Dustin watches him go, steeling himself with a few deep breaths, and then turns to go inside. Micaela is waiting by the ticket counter, and Dustin jogs over to greet her. Luckily, it's not as awkward as it was on the phone, and she seems genuinely excited to see the movie. Dustin buys their tickets, as well as drinks and a popcorn for them to share. She tells him how her dad is a fighter pilot, and how she always loves movies about pilots while they wait for the previews to start. Dustin thinks she's perfectly nice and charming, and by the time the lights go down, he's feeling relaxed, like maybe this won't be such a disaster after all.

After the movie ends, they head to the food court and end up both getting soft pretzels, neither in the mood for real food after the popcorn. They chat for what seems like a long time, and it all goes pretty smoothly. She gushes about the movie, and Dustin makes sure to interject at all the right moments. She asks him about his hobbies, and he explains to her about AV club, and about his passion for science, and she seems genuinely interested, like maybe she doesn't mind that he's a huge nerd. She's apparently very interested in horses, and wants to be a vet when she grows up. Dustin thinks that's sweet, and that, in general she's sweet. He thinks they could be really good friends.

He's not prepared for her to lean across their small table and put her mouth on his. He's so stunned, in fact, that he doesn't do anything, just sits there until she leans back again, looking embarrassed. "I'm sorry," she says quietly, "I thought-"

"No!" He cuts her off loudly, then stops, makes a conscious effort to lower his voice. "It's fine. I was just surprised. Sorry!"

She looks up at him from under her bangs, shy, or maybe, he thinks, coy. She has a pretty face, objectively, and Dustin sort of wishes he had paid more attention while she was kissing him. "Do you want to try again?" She asks, sweet and quiet.

"Um, sure?" Is all he can manage. This is honestly all going a lot faster than he imagined, and he had genuinely not been prepared to have his first kiss today, but he can't say no now that he has an opportunity.

She leans over again, much more slowly this time, and he notices that her eyes are closed, realizes that she's waiting for him to close the distance. So he does, carefully tilting his head to slot their mouths together in a way that won't smush their noses together. It's a gentle kiss, a little sticky from her lip gloss, but not entirely unpleasant. He pulls back just a little, and then goes in again, feels her mouth move against his, and wonders slightly if he's supposed to be feeling more than this clinical determination to do it right.

When they separate and sit back again, she's smiling. "That was nice," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, unsure what else to say. He tries to wipe his mouth discretely, doesn't want her to think he didn't enjoy it, but he's desperate to get rid of that sticky, moist feeling left by her makeup.

She pretty much carries the conversation from then on, as Dustin is feeling awkward again, and isn't sure why. By the time he catches sight of Steve, he's almost panicking with how much he wants to get out of there, to have a minute to think about what happened, and figure out if he liked it or not. He tries desperately to signal Steve without drawing Micaela's attention, and he silently thanks every deity he can think of when Steve makes his way over.

"Hey guys," he says cheerfully, all smiles and endless, sweet charm. "Sorry to interrupt." He turns to Micaela and holds out his hand. "I'm Steve, Dustin's ride. It's lovely to meet you."

She smiles shyly up at him, shaking his hand delicately. "Micaela. Nice to meet you."

Steve puts his hands in his pockets, slumps in a little, and casts his face in a rueful expression. It's honestly masterful, and Dustin feels relief swelling up inside of him like his life is on the line and rescue just arrived. "So listen, I hate to cut things off before you're ready, but unfortunately, I've gotta get you home, man. My dad wants me to help out at his dinner party tonight." He looks so chagrined about it that Dustin almost believes that there is a dinner party, that Steve is reluctantly breaking up the date and not coming to his rescue. Dustin has never loved Steve more in his entire life.

After they have extricated themselves, and made sure that Micaela's ride is on the way and she will get home okay, Steve and Dustin leave the mall together, and Dustin breaks the instant they're in the car with the doors shut. "She kissed me! She kissed me suddenly! We were just talking about how she likes horses, and she leaned over and kissed me! Steve, I wasn't prepared to be kissed! This was not my first kiss date!"

Steve laughs, but only a little, and it's very affectionate, so Dustin doesn't mind too much. "I take it you didn't enjoy it much?" he asks, gentle.

Dustin shrugs, tries to think about it seriously, and is very put out to come to the conclusion that no, he really didn't. "It was weird," he whines. "Her lips were so sticky. She said it was nice, and nothing bad happened, but I don't know. I don't see what the fuss is about!"

He huffs, and drops back into his seat, annoyed. Steve laughs again, and ruffles his hair before starting the car. "Don't worry bud, no one's first kiss is good. It'll get better the more you do it, if you do it with the right person. Did you like _her_?"

Dustin sighs. "She's nice," he says, "But I don't know. I think I'd rather be friends."

Steve nods sagely. "That's okay. It's a process, man. You never know unless you try. Just make sure to tell her how you feel the next time you talk, and if she doesn't want to be friends, don't take it personally."

Dustin nods, and releases a long breath. Steve is right. It's not the end of the world for him to have gone on a date and realized he didn't like her that way. After all, he tells himself, better to realize now, than after more dates, when things are more serious. He looks at Steve, "You don't really have to help at a dinner party, right?"

Steve laughs again, loud and clear, like a bell. It makes Dustin relax, fills him with warmth. "Nah man, I was fucking struggling to come up with something to say, after I saw your 'save me' face. I wish I had a camera so you could see how you looked. It's a miracle she didn't notice."

He's teasing, and Dustin appreciates it, because Steve never teases to be mean. "Fuck you," he says fondly.

"Hey, watch your fucking mouth!" Steve says, grinning, and Dustin can't look away from his face, is overwhelmingly glad to have had Steve there, to have Steve at all, to help him through stuff like this, and make it all seem like it's not such a big deal.

"Fuck you," he says again, "I say what I want."

And then they're both laughing, and Steve's eyes are crinkling at the edges, which Dustin can see, because the idiot still has his sunglasses in his hair, despite the sun shining brightly through the windshield. He reaches over at a stoplight, punches Dustin lightly in the shoulder, all fond and sweet, then turns the volume dial up, and they're scream singing along to George Michael the rest of the way back to Dustin's.

By the time they get there, Dustin has almost completely forgotten how shitty he'd felt, and reporting back to his mom doesn't feel like nearly so much of a chore, with Steve there to buffer the awkwardness. It's good, Dustin thinks. The date was bad, but the day is good.

 


	3. Chapter 03

Dustin doesn't start learning to drive until the summer after his 16th birthday. All of his friends have either already gotten their licenses or are well into their permit period, but he's just not felt up for it yet. His sophomore year has been pretty busy, since he's president of the high school AV club, and also a member of the science club, and the school's small, but surprisingly successful competitive math team. That, combined with a surprising number of dates (apparently smart is cooler than he thought, at least with a certain demographic), has led him to having annoyingly little spare time, which he has declined to fill with the wonder of learning to drive. Now that it's summer, though, and he's starting to feel a bit left behind by his friends, who tease him constantly about always needing a ride, Dustin has decided it's time.

He's doing home drivers' ed, which makes things a lot easier, because his mom can score him and log his practice hours, and everything will be fine, so long as he passes the written test at the DMV. Steve has been helping a lot, too. He was even there, in the back seat during Dustin's first ever time in the driver's seat, offering moral support and levity for both Dustin and his mom. Dustin had been grateful to have him there, had felt a lot less stressed knowing that Steve was close by to wrangle his mom if she started to panic (although, to be fair to her, she had remained remarkably calm the entire time, and had only take 20 pictures after the lesson was over).

Over the course of the summer, Dustin logs a lot of hours with both Steve and his mom as his licensed supervisor. He drives his mom to the grocery store, or to get gas, or basically anywhere she needs to go. The same goes with Steve, when they go places together. Dustin had hesitated at first, because Steve's car is so nice, and he'd thought for sure Steve wouldn't want to risk him messing it up. Steve had just smiled and tossed him the keys like it was nothing.

At that point, Dustin has only been driving for about a week, but Steve seems confident in his abilities, leaning casually against the passenger side door, grinning broadly as he pulls his sunglasses down out of his hair. He's wearing a pretty ridiculous outfit - some loose fitting jeans, and a faded tank top that ends above his navel, but somehow he still looks good. Really good, Dustin thinks, and has to swallow hard, and force himself to look away from the strip of skin visible above the waistline of Steve's jeans. He feels his mouth go dry, his heart is beating ridiculously fast, and he honestly has no idea why.

Steve is smiling, seems to think he's nervous about driving - which he is, but that is definitely not why he's rooted to the spot and can't seem to move. "It's cool man, you'll do fine!" Steve says, still leaning casual and loose against the side of his car like some kind of model. Dustin resolves to put this line of thought away for now, because he thinks if he doesn't go over there, Steve is just going to keep standing like that, smiling all pretty and warm, and if he doesn't stop it right now, Dustin thinks he's probably going to have a crisis in his own front yard.

So Dustin forces himself to walk towards the car, and smile sheepishly at Steve. It almost makes it easier to drive, because he's so focused on ignoring whatever the _fuck_ is going on with him that he forgets to be nervous. It turns out to be the smoothest ride yet, and Dustin is so proud of himself that he almost manages to forget the army of butterflies that have suddenly taken up residence in his stomach.

When he goes home that night, though, the feeling comes rushing back to him, and he's forced to sit down and really think about it. It's true, he concedes, that Steve is, objectively, very good looking, and he doesn't think anyone could really argue the contrary. It's also true that when Dustin considers Steve as a person, he doesn't feel much different than usual. He loves Steve a lot. They are best friends, and Steve has been there for him through a hell of a lot. He wants to take care of Steve, and protect him, and make sure that he's happy, because Dustin knows that Steve has been through a lot as well. He also doesn't want to think about the possibility of Steve ever _not_ being around in his life, because he fits in so well with Dustin and his mom, it's almost like he's part of their family and always has been. None of those feelings, Dustin considers, are anything new.

Steve has been important to him since that very first day when he was there for Dustin and no one else was. Dustin has always felt protective of him, since realizing how hurt he really was inside, and how far he would go to take care of the people around him, with no regard for himself. And of course Dustin felt he was family, because how could he not, when Steve treated his mom so well? Still, Dustin has to acknowledge that there is something else going on as well, and that something is that Steve is hot, and Dustin has _noticed_. More importantly than that, he thinks, he doesn't understand how he _failed_ to notice before now, although, if he's being honest, he's pretty fucking glad he didn't.

He looks at Yurtle, warming himself under the heat lamp that Steve had bought for him, and sighs. "What am I gonna do, buddy?" Yurtle looks back, blinking slowly, and doesn't reply. It occurs to Dustin then, that maybe this whole thing requires a bit more investigation. Is it _just_ Steve that's hot? Or is it lots of guys that are hot? Dustin considers it for a long moment, but can't be sure. Then he considers, does he think girls are hot? He's not sure about that either.

Obviously, as a teenager, he has needs of a sexual nature, but he's never really considered what he thinks about when he attends to said needs. He wonders if maybe all those dates that never panned out could possibly have been a sign of a bigger problem. He wonders if maybe it wasn't the girls themselves that he hadn't clicked with, but rather girls in general. He gives himself a moment to recoil in horror, to panic, or try to deny it, but nothing comes. Mostly, he's just curious.

He doesn't think he would mind if he's gay, or liked both, or whatever it would be. He knows his mom wouldn't care (in fact, she had made sure to sit him down last year, and tell him that it was okay to like whoever he wanted, that he could always talk to her, and at the time, he had been very confused, but now he thinks maybe she just knows him better than he knows himself). He doesn't think Steve would hate him either, though Dustin has no plans to tell him any time soon that it was Steve himself that started him questioning.

In the end, he decides not to do anything, but rather to sit on it, and see where things go from here. He'll keep an eye out, he thinks, for signs in either direction; will try hard to be self aware when given the chance, and if he comes to any conclusions, then he'll decide what to do about it. Until then, it's not that hard to accept that now, in addition to everything else, Dustin thinks Steve is hot. Nothing much changes, really.

By the time the school year starts, Dustin has logged enough permit hours and is eligible to take his test. Steve has to work on the Saturday that Dustin is scheduled to go to the DMV, but that's okay. His mom drives him, and then, when he walks out victorious, she lets him drive her home, and then take the car on his own to visit Steve.

When Steve sees him walk in, he immediately perks up and asks with a big smile, "Did you pass?"

Dustin is too excited to do anything but nod and rush over to show him the shiny new license with his name and picture on it. Steve spends an appropriate amount of time admiring it, and then after a minute, goes soft and pulls him into a hug. "Proud of you, bud."

Dustin hugs him back, and is so used to his stomach fluttering at this point that he's able to ignore it completely. "Thanks for helping me," he says, and then adds, entirely too affectionate, "As always."

Steve just laughs and says, "What kind of cool older friend would I be if I didn't?"

The store is surprisingly dead for a Saturday afternoon, so Steve's manager doesn't complain when Dustin pulls up a stool next to the register and spends the next few hours chatting with him, pausing any time a customer comes by.

When Steve's shift is over, Dustin drives them to the arcade, where the rest of the party are hanging out, and when he shows them the license, they all tease him affectionately about being the last one, but he can tell they're happy for him. It's a really good time, and Dustin finds himself feeling a little wistful, as they don't all hang out together like this nearly as often anymore. More often than not, it's just a few of them at a time, extracurriculars gnawing at everyone's free time, or the couples being busy with dates and not wanting any extra company along to boo them while they make out.

Steve comes home with him for dinner, as is Saturday tradition at this point, and Dustin is happy and warm listening to him chatting away with his mom. He stays for a few hours after that, but his dad is expecting him home tonight, so after a while, Dustin drives a reluctant Steve back to the store to pick up his own car. Steve hugs him again before he gets in his car, and reiterates, "Congrats man, you did good."

When Dustin gets home that night, he sits down for another think, and this time, he does come to an actual conclusion. Specifically, he decides, he likes Steve a lot, but over the past couple of months, he's paid a lot of attention to his own feelings, and done a little bit of covert research with himself, and he thinks he can say with a fair amount of certainty that he also thinks other guys are hot, and _only_ other guys. He thinks about it for a long time, and it only seems truer the longer he considers it. It makes him a little sad, because now he's pretty sure he'll have to wait a long time to have a date that he actually enjoys (although he is grateful for his string of unsuccessful dates, as he now has the skills to kiss whoever he wants, however he wants and not fuck it up). Still, Dustin has always been a man of science, and it's much more important to him to pursue the truth than to hide from it because it's inconvenient.

He looks at Yurtle for a long time, and then says with absolute confidence, "Yurtle, I'm gay." He giggles, feeling a little giddy. It feels right to say it, and he's glad. It's scary, and he knows this means a lot of things are going to be more difficult for him, but right now, none of that matters. He's happy, elated even, because everything has slotted perfectly into place, and he no longer has to waste time wondering if something is wrong with him, or pondering why all of his dates just feel awkward and wrong.

He knows himself better, now, than he did before, and it's liberating, even just admitting it to himself. He's gay, and it's good.

 


	4. Chapter 04

Dustin tells his mom first, because, he thinks, the risk is lowest with her, and also because, now that he knows, he's finding it impossible to keep it a secret from everyone. He waits until after dinner one night, while she's snuggling Tews on the couch, wagging a little fluffy wand around for him to bat at while he lays contented in her arms. All Dustin has to say is, "Hey mom, can we talk?" and already she has the Knowing Mom Look. It's honestly kind of eerie, but Dustin's pretty grateful that she probably won't be too surprised by the revelation.

"Sure sweetie, come have a seat." She sets the cat toy aside and pats the cushion next to her.

Dustin goes easily, a little nervous, but not as much as he thought he might be. "Um, I think you might have figured this out before me," he starts, gaze steady on his own clasped hands. "And I think it's only fair that you're the first person I tell. So I guess, uh, I like boys?" It comes out as a question, as if he's confused about it, when really he's not at all, so he clears his throat, and holds up a hand to keep her from responding just yet. He sits up straighter, and looks her straight in the eye this time, unwilling to let that pathetic excuse for a coming out pass as his first one. "Sorry, let me try that again. Mom, I'm gay."

She just smiles at him, and then giggles a little. "Oh Dusty, that was very well done. I'm proud of you." She sets Tews down gently and opens her arms. "Come here, give me a hug."

So Dustin does, filled with all kinds of relief and happiness, even though he hadn't even been expecting anything else.

"You know I love you no matter what," she says, rubbing his back gently. "And I will love anybody that you bring home who loves you and treats you right. I'm glad you know who you are."

Dustin hugs her back tightly, and says, "Thanks Mom, I love you too." And then he sits back and continues, "I haven't told anyone else, though, so if you could keep it a secret for a while, I'd appreciate that."

She nods agreeably. "Of course, baby. You just let me know when it's not a secret anymore."

It's another two weeks before he tells his friends, as much because it takes them that long to all be gathered in one place as because he's building up his courage. He had considered telling them one by one, but decided that it's entirely too much effort, and also didn't want anyone to feel prioritized over everyone else based on the order he went in. So the next time they are all gathered in Mike's basement, while Steve is working (because he has to tell Steve separately, because Steve _is_ special), he stops them before the game can get started and says, more than a little nervous, "I need to tell you guys something."

After a chorus of mildly concerned, but encouraging inquiries about what it is, Dustin takes a long, shaky breath, and says as firmly as he can manage, "I'm super gay."

Several excruciating moments of stunned silence follow, and then suddenly, Will pipes up, a look of wonder on his face, "Me too."

"Oh," is all Dustin can come up with, but then he feels himself smiling. "Awesome." And he offers Will a fist bump, and is pleased beyond reason when Will returns it.

"Gay power," says Will, and then suddenly everyone is laughing, and offering various declarations of support, and Dustin wonders why he was even nervous at all.

It's another three months before he rakes up the courage to tell Steve, because he's the most scared of what Steve will think. His friends are all getting pretty exasperated with keeping the secret, since Steve is basically one of them, and last week, Dustin's mom pulled him aside after Steve went home from dinner, and gave him a talk about how he really should tell Steve.

"He cares about you so much," she'd said, in that tone torn halfway between happy and sad. "He won't be bothered, Dusty. I know it. He won't care."

Dustin thinks she's right, and it's honestly been killing him a little bit to keep the secret, but still. If Steve pushes him away, Dustin thinks he might actually lose it. Steve is his most important friend, and is basically part of their family, and the thought of losing him over something like this, something that Dustin can't change, is agonizing. Still, it's as good as lying for him to keep it from Steve at this point, and Dustin never wants to be dishonest with him, no matter how painful it is.

So the next time they're hanging out by themselves, Dustin, shaking, and sweaty, and struggling to breath a little, turns to him, and before he can even say anything, Steve stops mid-sentence and says, "Oh wow, hey, what's wrong?"

And Dustin thinks that pretty well indicates how terrified he is right now, if Steve can tell with just a look. Dustin makes an involuntary sort of groaning noise, and clamps down on the urge to vomit. He thinks he might spontaneously burst into tears at any moment, and knows he needs to get it out before that happens, or this whole thing is gonna get delayed even further. He swallows hard, and looks away, because he's not sure he can stand it if Steve looks at him with disgust. "I'mgaypleasedon'thateme."

He says it in such a rush that he barely understands himself, and Steve is using his most gentle voice when he puts a hand on Dustin's shoulder and says, "Hey, it's okay, whatever it is, it's okay, but I didn't understand a word of that."

Dustin can feel his breathing getting hiccupy, and knows that he's definitely about to start crying now. His vision is already going a little wobbly from the tears. He looks up at Steve, and his face is soft, his eyes huge under worried, furrowed brows. His thumb is rubbing gently at the juncture of Dustin's shoulder. "Please don't hate me," Dustin says, and then he really is crying.

Steve hugs him, and Dustin's grown a lot this year, but he's still short enough that it feels pretty all encompassing. He feels Steve rest his cheek against the top of his head, his arms solid and warm around Dustin's shoulders as he rubs a hand soothingly over his back and lets him cry into his shoulder. "It's okay," he says. "Whatever it is, it's okay. I could never hate you."

Dustin just clings to him and cries harder than he has in a very long time, shocked at his own inability to reel it in. He knows this is over the top, knows Steve will probably be fine with it, but still, even the most remote possibility that he won't is too much for Dustin to handle, and now that he's here, standing in front of him, he's come to the unfortunate realization that Steve is also the only one who can comfort him in this situation. It's overwhelming, and terrifying, and Dustin hadn't even realized how far down he'd been stamping his dread until it all came spluttering out of him at once.

The only thing that helps him pull it together is the knowledge that Steve still has no idea what's going on, and must be extremely worried at this point. It's not fair, Dustin thinks, to hold him in limbo like that, so after another minute or two, wherein he exercises every ounce of willpower he has to chill the fuck out, he steps back out of the hug and clears his throat. He's still sniffling a little, and his breath is coming sharp and uneven, the way it does after a hard cry, but he's found his footing again. "Sorry," he chokes, and can't decide whether it's better or worse to look at Steve. In the end, he does look, and Steve's face is harrowing. He looks panicked, and worried, and like he also has some tears in his eyes, and Dustin feels like shit for scaring him like that. "I'm okay," he says. "I'm sorry, I'm okay. It's not this big of a deal. I'm just...I told everyone else already a long time ago, and I haven't told you because you're the most important, and I can't stand the thought of you hating me. But it's totally fucked up to keep it a secret and lie to you about it, and it's selfish and now I've freaked you out because I'm so scared of telling you and I'm sorry." He realizes he's rambling, probably still trying to avoid actually saying it, but Steve looks a little less terrified now, and has settled more into confused and worried. Dustin takes a deep, fortifying breath. "I'm gay."

Steve looks at him for a long moment, and then his hands are on Dustin's face, and he's smiling like he's never been so relieved in his life. Dustin feels his thumbs brushing over his cheeks, wiping away the tears, and Steve laughs a little and says, "Is that all?"

And now Dustin thinks he might cry some more, just from the sheer weight of his relief as he nods. "Yeah," he says, and his voice is already wavering again, even as he feels a breathy, exasperated laugh pushing it's way out of him.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Dusty," Steve says, and pulls him back in for another hug. "You scared the shit out of me. I thought it was something bad."

Dustin clings to him some more, and tries not to let the uncontrollable shaking bring him to his knees. "I was scared you wouldn't want to be my friend anymore."

"Come here," Steve says, and pulls him down, so they're still hugging, but now they're sitting on the floor, and Dustin doesn't feel quite so close to collapsing in on himself so thoroughly that there will be nothing left. "I don't think, at this point, there is anything you could do to make me not want to be your friend anymore, so on any future occasions where you need to tell me something and are scared, you can go ahead and calm your fuckin' nuts, okay?"

Dustin laughs, watery and light, and nods, still not quite ready to let go of the hug.

"Besides," Steve says. "I really don't think it would be fair for me to hate you for that, considering how much I've done."

There's a bit of an edge to his voice, and Dustin feels it like a shock of ice water down his back. He sits back and looks hard at Steve, taking a long moment to formulate a response.

"Steve, you have to know that nothing Billy did to you counts." Dustin puts his hands on Steve's face, just like Steve had done to him earlier, because he wants Steve to hear him, to know that he's serious. "That wasn't sex, Steve. It was rape, and it doesn't count as anything but you being abused. _It doesn't fucking count._ "

Steve's eyes have gone wide and wet, and Dustin watches as his face crumples in his hands. "Yeah, okay," Steve whispers, voice cracking. "I know," he says, a little more firmly. "I just." He shrugs, helplessly. "Before all that I had thought that maybe I liked both. Sometimes it's hard to separate enough to know."

It's Dustin's turn to hug Steve now, and he does so with ferocity. "I'm sorry," he says, and then again, because once simply isn't enough, "I'm sorry."

Steve doesn't cry, but it seems like a pretty close thing, and he clings to Dustin for a very long time, head buried in his neck, as Dustin rubs his back.

After that night, everything between them feels different. Nothing has really changed, but somehow, Dustin feels like everything is clearer, cleaner, and more bright. They understand each other in a way that no one else in their lives does. Which, thinking back on it, is not really new either. It's only that, now, both of them are potently aware of it, able to draw on each other for strength and support in a way that they might have hesitated, or felt guilty for previously. It makes Dustin feel powerful, invincible, even, because he knows now that his family is complete, and Steve is there with them 100%, lifting him up and leaning on him all at once. Whenever Dustin thinks about it, he realizes, it's totally exhilarating.

 


End file.
